Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
