my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
