took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
