Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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