gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
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Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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