just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
