oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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