apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
