Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
