we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
