omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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