dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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