Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
