i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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