The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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