Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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