the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
