you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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