I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
