I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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