there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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