These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
