My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
