Got a toothbrush?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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