When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
