yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
