i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
