i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
