this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
