sarcasm needs its own font
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
