I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
