dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
