I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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