i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
