I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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