Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
