You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
