I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
