My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
