Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
