It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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