I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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