my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
