Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
