Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
