I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
