I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
