My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
