Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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