captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
