I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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