So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
